What I Know For Sure...

It's difficult to explain why it has taken me so long to write this blog... but I will give it my best shot.

So.... I am no longer a Peace Corps Volunteer. And I'm ok with that now. I was putting off writing this blog because it felt like it would be such a challenge. Most of my blogs from my service were about day to day life and bugs and things. This one felt much harder to tackle... like it's the one in which I'm supposed to share a poetic goodbye and sum up what I have learned from my Peace Corps service. I didn't know how. And I was going through the shock of leaving my 3rd world life while settling into my new one. I needed some time to process my thoughts and feelings on the whole thing before I came out and shared them with the world, ya know?

I'm still not sure how to do this. I want this blog to give justice to my service, to the experience, to my friends, and to El Salvador. How can I put into words how life-changing and gratifying this experience has been? How can I bring readers to understand? I think maybe the only people that will really get it are others who have been through it. It has just been that huge... But this is what I know for sure...

I came to El Salvador in July 2010 looking for something. I wanted to improve my Spanish. I wanted to really know what it's like to live a different lifestyle, to live in another country, another culture. To live poor. To focus on what really matters. And to help the people in my community in some way. To teach them something. To help improve their quality of life in some small way. I got all of this and more.

It's too bad I couldn't stay through to September like I had planned... but in Peace Corps they always say, "Expect the Unexpected." It just wasn't meant to be. And I feel good about what I have done in my service. I can honestly say that I left it feeling like I made a difference in my community and I have learned so much. It was a gift. I found exactly what I was looking for. Peace Corps was something I had dreamed of doing since my early years of college. And I'm proud that I had the courage to go for it... So that I never will have to live with regret or say "I should've..."

And it was scary at first. I will never forget how hard it was to say bye to my parents. How I asked my mom, "How long do you think I should give it before I quit and come home?" because I was scared. How I hugged my dad, crying at the airport before I left to go off to my new, very different home. Once I got on the plane I was fine. Like many things, just going was harder than anything... I was so happy to be in El Salvador in my first months. So grateful for the opportunity. My friend Jamie and I were always saying to each other, "We're livin' the dream! Livin the dream..." The honey moon phase did eventually wear off though and my "Livin' the dream" motto was replaced by, "How many more months?" It was often tough and challenging. Sometimes uncomfortable. At times I faced heart-crushing depression. But I worked through it. It got better. I became more a part of my community... it began to feel more like home. More like I belonged there. I felt good about what I was doing there. I could have happily finished my service... But it just wasn't meant to be.

PC is downsizing and reorganizing their program in El Salvador greatly because of safety and security issues with gangs and drug trafficking. Even if I could have stayed until the of my 2 year time commitment, they probably would have moved me to a new site. They are trying to move volunteers to keep them in clusters in only in the safest parts of the country. No way would I have wanted a site-change.

So just a few weeks ago it became final. January 21st was my last day as a Peace Corps Volunteer. It was weird at first, a bit of an emotional roller coaster- because I was dealing with my close of service and saying goodbye to San Jacinto so much sooner than planned. I didn't even say goodbye to many of the other volunteers. I missed out on some of that closure. But I feel good about where I am now. It has really sunk in now, that chapter of my life has ended. I will carry its lessons and memories with me for the rest of my life.

San Jacinto will always be like home to me. My youth group threw me an awesome goodbye party before I left. Marinita and Chepito gave me such a heartfelt goodbye, making it clear that I am like family to them now. My goodbyes were full of tears, but they were good tears... because my relationships with those people were so unique and special. And I knew that when I left there in the Peace Corps car with my bosses, it would not be the last time I see San Jacinto and my wonderful friends there.

In summary, joining Peace Corps was the best decision I ever made. So glad I did it... I learned so much, grew so much, yada yada... and best of all... I met and fell in love with the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, Noel. Now we get to spend our lives traveling the world together! Would I do Peace Corps again? No way. Once was enough. Now I am free to go where I want, when I want and drive a car and see other Americans all the time. And sometimes I think to myself, if I could do Peace Corps... I can do anything!

So I will be going back to San Jacinto soon. Definitely will be going to visit since I will be spending time with Noel in San Salvador. He doesn't finish his service in El Salvador until September. In the meantime, we're planning a trip to Roatan, Honduras and Antigua, Guatemala. I'll just be traveling, hanging out, and planning our wedding which will be October 6, 2012! In Houston. Yowzas! Thats only like 8 months away :) Then we will be in D.C. until we move to Manila, Philippines in June 2013. Which by the way is only a mere 20 hour flight from DC. LoL... Definitely the farthest I've ever lived from home. But it will be another exciting adventure! My first time to Asia. There are beautiful tropical islands there... and I will always be happy to live in a place where it is warm year round! I will have to start a different blog to keep y'all up to date on my adventures over there like I have in "Hola El Salvador." Maybe it will be called, "Mabuhay Manila!" I think that's how you say hello in Tagalog.


OK! I did it! I have successfully finished writing the entry that I thought would be the hardest one to write ever. That's a wrap my friends. Thanks for following me along on my journey throughout Peace Corps. It hasn't always been the easiest to write about. But what I know for sure is... It's been real!

Paz y Amor,

Amy

My last picture of Milton, carrying all the stuff I gifted his family. 

At the Despedida my Youth Group did for me! Every single balloon had a small piece of paper on it that said, "We will miss Amy." So sweet!


Don Tulio came to sing me a goodbye song on my last day in San Jacinto. This man was always so sweet to me. Took my trash out for me everyday. Called me his "Jaimita Linda."

P.S. I just want to add... A million thanks to my close loved ones who supported me on this journey. You know who you are... You all were there for me whenever I needed anything, encouraging me and assuring me that I could do it. Mom- always tellin' me to keep my head up and stuff... I just love you, and want you to know how much I appreciate your love and support. I couldn't have done it without you all!

Sometimes the End Sneaks Up on You

[ Note: This is the blog I wrote before it all went down, when I still wasn't sure about my future in Peace Corps. It may be a bit after the fact. Sorry about that. I was feeling shy about sharing details and feelings about everything that was happening...but I am re-sharing it now because I want my blog, my story, to be complete. ]

Dear friends and loyal blog leaders,


It looks like this may be the beginning of the end of my Peace Corps experience. It all started with an email from PC/Washington (PCW) on Dec. 11 notifying us that they were pulling out of Honduras and that Guatemala and El Salvador would not be receiving new training groups and to expect our program to undergo changes and reorganization. They are doing this because the region, they call it the "Northern Triangle," has been experiencing a rise in crime and has become more dangerous for volunteers to be out riding around on public transportation. While almost everyone feels safe in their communities, as do I, when we leave our sites we are at risk of being victims of crime.

Lately things have been getting worse in the San Vicente area and more has been happening closer to my site and along my bus route.

1) Months ago a vendor was shot in broad daylight in an area that PCVs shop in in the market. Friends of mine witnessed it. What if I had been there to witness it? I am not ok with seeing someone shot and killed. I have tried avoiding that part of the market since then.

2) Some months back there was a robbery and shooting not on my bus line, but on the same route. The bus stopped and picked up some people not knowing they were robbers. They robbed everyone on the bus, but when a few men resisted them they were shot and killed. Another example of risk for me to happen to be there to witness a violent tragedy.

3) Recently at the end of December some people were shot and killed, this time on transportation that I do frequently use. Supposedly the assailant had bad blood with these people that he was going after specifically, and what makes me uncomfortable is that these are people that live in my neighboring community, within walking distance of mine. That I have to go through everytime I come and go. Since he was unsuccessful in murdering them, they didn't die, will they try again? And will I be unlucky enough to be there next time? Rumor was that he accidentally shot innocent people while aiming for her. That's scary. But I also don't know if its true, because some people have said they were just trying to kill her and her family members. Regardless. It makes me uncomfortable.

4) My neighboring communities have had a number of armed robberies in the late evening. Masked men sneaking up on a house, threatening the family, and taking everything they own- one time they even took their car. My community its harder to get away with stuff like that because its more remote with bad roads its harder for people to take off really fast. Also, the police for the area are stationed here. They live right in my front yard. I feel safe and confident things like that wont happen here.

5) And then yesterday afternoon I got word that a few men were shot near the exit from the highway that is taken to get into my site. Things are getting serious around here. It used to just feel like the capital is where these things mostly happened, rarely out in the rural areas. But now crime out here have become more frequent and closer to home, getting pretty bad in the area I pass through everytime I come and go. No me gusta. It has made me more uncomfortable going on the bus too and from San Vi. But that is exactly why PC is making changes, because of stuff like this, and restricting our travel.



They are working on coming up with the solutions for travel. As of yesterday we are on a travel restriction, we can't leave our sites without informing Peace Corps of where we're going, what we're going for, how we're getting there. And no overnights. And this is the thing that may be my deal-breaker: San Salvador is off limits completely and indefinitely. AH! My fiance lives there. That will be hard. Sure he can come out to San Vi and see me here in my site or the pueblo. But it's not the same. Not to mention expensive gas to be doing that all the time. And San Sal is where we meet up with other PCVs and decompress and have some brief comforts like a nice bed and a/c and good food. Everything will be so different without being able to go there anymore, and frankly, hard. Sometimes we just need to get away and have a break from the campo, have some time with our expat friends... Going to visit a friends site is not the same, it's not always the refresher that you need.



Anyway, I'm still thinking about everything and considering the possibilities here. PC is letting people go early with all the benefits. They are trying to reduce the number of volunteers, I guess they need many of us to leave to be able to afford making these changes they want to make. I want to be able to continue seeing Noel. Even just seeing him once a month is difficult. I remember when he went to Rio for work for a month... that felt like the longest month ever in all of my service. And apart from that, living the next 8 months with little independence and freedom will be hard. It's a whole new ballgame here. And with the recent events in the San Vicente area... I can see that me leaving early is a possibility. I never want to have to witness someone be shot and I dont want to be at risk for being caught in the crossfire of a shooting.

So if I can leave early with all the benefits, maybe that won't be all that bad- to move on to the easier life I have often day dreamed about returning to. There is a significant part of me that wants to stick it out until the end. I'm so close. I've invested so much time into this. It would be nice to finish it. And it will be so hard to explain to my community and say goodbye to this place that has become a second home to me. My host parents who have looked after me since the day I arrived here, saying goodbye to them early will be the hardest thing. And then all of my friends here who have always had their doors open to me. This community is full of warm loving people. I haven't told them anything yet... because I'm still not sure about what will happen with the situation. I know Washington is coming at the end of this month to do an assessment and explain changes.

The funny thing is, after we got that first email about changes in mid December, my friends and I predicted something like this would happen. It's not like I didn't see it coming... but now that it's actually happening, I feel like it came as a shock still. Like it really snuck up on me. I always knew this experience would come to an end at some point, but I guess I just wasn't prepared for it to be the end already. And this is definitely not what I imagined it would be like.