Sometimes the End Sneaks Up on You

[ Note: This is the blog I wrote before it all went down, when I still wasn't sure about my future in Peace Corps. It may be a bit after the fact. Sorry about that. I was feeling shy about sharing details and feelings about everything that was happening...but I am re-sharing it now because I want my blog, my story, to be complete. ]

Dear friends and loyal blog leaders,


It looks like this may be the beginning of the end of my Peace Corps experience. It all started with an email from PC/Washington (PCW) on Dec. 11 notifying us that they were pulling out of Honduras and that Guatemala and El Salvador would not be receiving new training groups and to expect our program to undergo changes and reorganization. They are doing this because the region, they call it the "Northern Triangle," has been experiencing a rise in crime and has become more dangerous for volunteers to be out riding around on public transportation. While almost everyone feels safe in their communities, as do I, when we leave our sites we are at risk of being victims of crime.

Lately things have been getting worse in the San Vicente area and more has been happening closer to my site and along my bus route.

1) Months ago a vendor was shot in broad daylight in an area that PCVs shop in in the market. Friends of mine witnessed it. What if I had been there to witness it? I am not ok with seeing someone shot and killed. I have tried avoiding that part of the market since then.

2) Some months back there was a robbery and shooting not on my bus line, but on the same route. The bus stopped and picked up some people not knowing they were robbers. They robbed everyone on the bus, but when a few men resisted them they were shot and killed. Another example of risk for me to happen to be there to witness a violent tragedy.

3) Recently at the end of December some people were shot and killed, this time on transportation that I do frequently use. Supposedly the assailant had bad blood with these people that he was going after specifically, and what makes me uncomfortable is that these are people that live in my neighboring community, within walking distance of mine. That I have to go through everytime I come and go. Since he was unsuccessful in murdering them, they didn't die, will they try again? And will I be unlucky enough to be there next time? Rumor was that he accidentally shot innocent people while aiming for her. That's scary. But I also don't know if its true, because some people have said they were just trying to kill her and her family members. Regardless. It makes me uncomfortable.

4) My neighboring communities have had a number of armed robberies in the late evening. Masked men sneaking up on a house, threatening the family, and taking everything they own- one time they even took their car. My community its harder to get away with stuff like that because its more remote with bad roads its harder for people to take off really fast. Also, the police for the area are stationed here. They live right in my front yard. I feel safe and confident things like that wont happen here.

5) And then yesterday afternoon I got word that a few men were shot near the exit from the highway that is taken to get into my site. Things are getting serious around here. It used to just feel like the capital is where these things mostly happened, rarely out in the rural areas. But now crime out here have become more frequent and closer to home, getting pretty bad in the area I pass through everytime I come and go. No me gusta. It has made me more uncomfortable going on the bus too and from San Vi. But that is exactly why PC is making changes, because of stuff like this, and restricting our travel.



They are working on coming up with the solutions for travel. As of yesterday we are on a travel restriction, we can't leave our sites without informing Peace Corps of where we're going, what we're going for, how we're getting there. And no overnights. And this is the thing that may be my deal-breaker: San Salvador is off limits completely and indefinitely. AH! My fiance lives there. That will be hard. Sure he can come out to San Vi and see me here in my site or the pueblo. But it's not the same. Not to mention expensive gas to be doing that all the time. And San Sal is where we meet up with other PCVs and decompress and have some brief comforts like a nice bed and a/c and good food. Everything will be so different without being able to go there anymore, and frankly, hard. Sometimes we just need to get away and have a break from the campo, have some time with our expat friends... Going to visit a friends site is not the same, it's not always the refresher that you need.



Anyway, I'm still thinking about everything and considering the possibilities here. PC is letting people go early with all the benefits. They are trying to reduce the number of volunteers, I guess they need many of us to leave to be able to afford making these changes they want to make. I want to be able to continue seeing Noel. Even just seeing him once a month is difficult. I remember when he went to Rio for work for a month... that felt like the longest month ever in all of my service. And apart from that, living the next 8 months with little independence and freedom will be hard. It's a whole new ballgame here. And with the recent events in the San Vicente area... I can see that me leaving early is a possibility. I never want to have to witness someone be shot and I dont want to be at risk for being caught in the crossfire of a shooting.

So if I can leave early with all the benefits, maybe that won't be all that bad- to move on to the easier life I have often day dreamed about returning to. There is a significant part of me that wants to stick it out until the end. I'm so close. I've invested so much time into this. It would be nice to finish it. And it will be so hard to explain to my community and say goodbye to this place that has become a second home to me. My host parents who have looked after me since the day I arrived here, saying goodbye to them early will be the hardest thing. And then all of my friends here who have always had their doors open to me. This community is full of warm loving people. I haven't told them anything yet... because I'm still not sure about what will happen with the situation. I know Washington is coming at the end of this month to do an assessment and explain changes.

The funny thing is, after we got that first email about changes in mid December, my friends and I predicted something like this would happen. It's not like I didn't see it coming... but now that it's actually happening, I feel like it came as a shock still. Like it really snuck up on me. I always knew this experience would come to an end at some point, but I guess I just wasn't prepared for it to be the end already. And this is definitely not what I imagined it would be like.