Is the Honeymoon over?

This week I have felt a shift in how I feel about living here. I still love that I am in El Salvador and what I am here to do... I guess I just feel like the honeymoon is over. I feel a little more irritated by the bokking of the chickens and the smell of the latrine and the neighbors always being in my business. This is normal. I remember during training they said that around 5 or 6 months in you will probably look around and be like "I gave up my comfy American life for this?"

Haha... I wanted to believe that I would be different... that I would continue to be as love drunk with living abroad in this country now as I did then. But they were right. I think it's just the holiday season. That this is the first year in my life that I have ever spent away from my family on Christmas. I don't get Christmas this year. I get a rodeo with all of my salvo campo peeps (which by the way I woke up at 5:30 am today to the sound of them setting up the stadium for this rodeo 25 feet in front of my house...).

And yes, I am here in this beautiful place that is filled with loving people who I know care for me... But there's something about being here for Christmas that is making me feel very alone. my family didn't really do anything big for Christmas these last few years, but at least I was surrounded by the spirit of it. Being here I don't feel it. It doesn't look like Christmas. Being in this remote Salvadorian village, the only gringa, not always being able to accurately express myself, the only one that does not want to eat tamales on the 24th.... It's just hitting me now. I want to see a Christmas tree on the 25th. I want to eat pancakes for breakfast, and open a present, and spend my day on the couch watching movies with my family and my pups in my lap. I want to be cold and wear a winter coat. I want to be home.

It is hard for me to admit these things. I have been avoiding blogging because I don't want to be on here all the time with negativity and bum anyone out. I would love to always be making everyone proud- to appear strong. As if I am facing this journey head on, unflinching. But I am me, and I can only be real. And I don't have to pretend I am something I am not. Also, it's good for me to get this out... There's nothing so wrong with being a little homesick anyways is there? I do get to come home in February... a week ago I was feeling invincible and unstoppable and saying that I don't want to go home in February, it feels too soon. But what a difference a week makes, and a holiday alone. Now I am very much looking forward to tasting Texas.


Now enough of the pity party- onto some more positive things....

First of all- Milton is home!!!! He has to stay in his bed at his house- but I have been walking over to see him and this morning I brought him some grapes and we watched a movie while I peeled the skins off for him.
I am working and trying to keep busy still. My youth group got together yesterday to clean up the old clinic. We made great progress in just one day. Today we are going back to clean the walls and mop the floors... I was disappointed though when Chepito told me I can't use my bright pink paint for the building. He says because it's an institutional building owned by the government it has to be the same blue and white that all of the government buildings are. Boo! That seems ridiculous to me. It would look so much better painted. And it has just been sitting there for 10 years never being used... and it probably never will be used for it's intended purpose in the future. Just let me paint it with the kids! Grrrr.... I wonder if there is someone else I can talk to about this. The kids and I were going to paint beautiful murals and everything. It will be interesting to see where this youth group is headed.... yesterday they were already super excited about hanging out in the new space... practicing their dancing on the semi-clean floor.

Monday I am getting a girls soccer team started with some youth.... I still know very little about soccer. Everytime I play I sign up to be the goalie! But I am excited to learn more about how to actually play. And then if we have enough girls I'll bring my team up to Jamie's site and we can play against the girls team she has over there.

Allrighty- well let's hope things don't get too wild and crazy out here this weekend with the rodeo in my front yard! But you know what- maybe that's what I need out here in my town- for things to get a little wild and crazy. It's been a little too quiet, tranquilo, and boring out here for me lately. Let's liven it up! Although I had one Salvo tell me that you gotta watch out at these things- sometimes if there aren't enough police, people will come with their guns and start shooting the guns up in the air and around all crazy. Eek! That would be too much for me. From what I am told, we will have many police around.

Like my brother Evan told me:

"Oh, there’s no place like a rodeo for the holidays,

‘Cause no matter how far away you roam,
When you pine for the swine and a friendly gaze,
For the holidays, you can’t beat rodeos, sweet rodeos."

And so, maybe my honeymoon is over, but there are still many good times and great things in store for me here. There will be bad days or even bad weeks.... but I know that in the end I will probably feel like I loved those times too. Because it is all part of the experience.

Paz y Amor.